Well, folks, it happened. In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Donald J. Trump has digitally chiseled his likeness onto Mount Rushmore, presumably because waiting for the geological timescale of a natural erosion process was simply too slow. The man who famously knows “the best words” has now decided he also knows the best faces to represent 250 years of American history.
Let’s grant the premise. Let’s entertain, for a moment, the notion that Donald Trump’s visage belongs alongside the giants of American history on the hallowed cliff face of Mount Rushmore. What, precisely, would be the inscription?
Not
“Father of His Country.” Perhaps “Twitter-Feed-in-Chief.”
Not
“Author of the Declaration.” Maybe “Author of His Own Undoing.”
Not
“Preserved the Union.” Possibly “Preserved His Own Brand.”
Not
“Trust Buster.” How about “Truth Buster?”
Let’s consider the qualifications for Mount Rushmore. The current residents are known for a few minor achievements:
- George Washington: Reluctantly became the first president, set the two-term precedent, and literally fathered the nation. A real underachiever.
- Thomas Jefferson: Doubled the size of the country and wrote a little thing called the Declaration of Independence. A decent effort, I suppose.
- Abraham Lincoln: Held the Union together through its darkest hour and ended slavery. A bit of a downer, but okay.
- Theodore Roosevelt: Fought corporate monopolies, established our national parks system, and was generally a whirlwind of manic, mustachioed energy. A good start.
See? When you look at it like that, their resumes are a little… thin. Where’s the pettiness? The all-caps Twitter diplomacy? The art of the covfefe?
Trump’s contributions are far more… modern. He didn’t just preserve the Union; he united the country in a shared sense of bewildered whiplash. He didn’t just create national parks; he probably looked at a majestic sequoia and wondered if it would look better with his name carved into it in gold leaf. He didn’t just write a declaration; he declared more things “the best,” “the greatest,” “a total witch hunt” and declared “Fake News” to anything he didn’t like.
And you know what? He’s right. He absolutely deserves a spot. It’s just that we’ve been looking at the wrong mountain this whole time.
The real travesty would be to ruin the beautiful, natural landscape of South Dakota. His monument deserves its own unique location. Perhaps a mountain of classified documents. Or a hillside of overturned election lawsuits. Maybe a tasteful cairn of hush money receipts.
The audacity isn’t just breathtaking; it’s geological. We’re not talking about a participation trophy here. Mount Rushmore isn’t the political equivalent of a youth soccer league where everyone gets a turn with the cup. It is a sacred pantheon carved into a mountain, not a narcissist’s fridge door for magnet-based achievements.
The current residents earned their spot with blood, toil, and world-altering vision. Trump’s application for residency would be submitted on the back of a McDonald’s receipt, citing “ratings” and a perfectly executed Sharpie alteration of a hurricane map and a Gulf as his qualifying achievements.
Imagine the aesthetic. Four presidents who defined centuries of democratic experiment, their gazes fixed on the horizon of America’s promise… and then that smirk, permanently frozen in a look of someone who just sold the horizon to a developer.
He wouldn’t complement the group; he’d interrupt it. Washington’s stoic silence would suddenly look like mute horror. Jefferson’s thoughtful expression would read as utter confusion. Lincoln’s profound sadness would seem directly related to his new neighbor. And Teddy Roosevelt’s bull-moose energy would be visibly straining to kick the new guy off the mountain.
The true wit of the suggestion isn’t in its humor, but in its tragic lack of self-awareness. It’s a punchline he doesn’t understand he’s telling. The mountain represents permanence, legacy, and a weight of history earned through sacrifice. The photo represents a transient, flimsy vanity, a ghost of ego pasted over solid rock.
So by all means, let him have his mountain. I hear there’s plenty of room on the slope of a landfill. The composition would be more fitting.
Mount Rushmore is a monument to history. Trump is a monument to himself. And never the twain shall meet, unless AI or Photoshop is involved.